"In discipline, whatever generates rage should be avoided. Anything that enhances self-confidence and respect for one's self and others is to be fostered"
Can I just point out here that THE BIBLE corroborates this theory in the book of Ephesians, Chapter 6, Verse 4:
4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Some versions say "provoke"...basically means, do not cause your children to rage and become angry.
"Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other; on the contrary, they breed and reinforce each other"
Raising your voice to end noise
Using force to break up a fight
Being rude to impolite child
I don't know about you, but this one was a lightbulb moment for me! It was a little like Deja Vu...didn't I know this already? Doesn't it make sense!?Now why didn't I think of that? What happens in yourhouse when you yell at the kids to shut up? Does everyone suddenly become quiet? Sometimes that happens in my house...because I become a raving lunatic and they all stop yelling to watch the show!
Here's a good one (that I already knew...)
"When children are punished, they resolve to be more careful NOT more obedient or responsible"
Tell me you have seen this one with your own eyes. If you haven't, you will. You catch Jr. coloring on the walls and spank him (or yell, or...whatever). You don't catch him coloring on the walls again...but when you move his dresser you see lots of pretty artwork!! BEEN THERE!!!
Permissiveness = the willingness to accept the childishness of children.
Over-Permissiveness = allowing undesirable acts.
Children cannot be held responsible for their feelings but only for their behavior.
Got that? Feelings happen. It's your reaction to those feelings that you can choose.
"We set limits on acts; we do not restrict wishes or feelings"
So, we limit our son from hitting his sister, but we do not limit him from feeling hatred or ill-feelings toward her. I think we do this a lot as parents. I dare say that CHRISTIAN PARENTS suffer from this one more than the average. We don't WANT our children to hate their siblings (or anyone, really) but can you honestly say that YOU have never hated SOMEONE in your life? Really? So can you imagine what we do to our children when we punish them for something they really have no control over? It's like punishing a newborn for peeing in her diaper.
Limits should be stated so the child knows clearly
what constitutes unacceptable conduct
what is an acceptable alternative
Different ways of stating limits
Recognize the childs wish and put it in simple terms
Clearly state the limits on a specific act
State examples showing how the wish can at least partially be fulfilled
Help child express resentment that will probably arise
An example for an instance when your daughter wants to go to the movies on a school night:
"You wish you could go to the movies"
"But the rule in our house is 'no movies on school nights'"
"You may go to the movies on Friday or Saturday"
"It is obvious you don't like the rule"
I'm not sure #4 is a home run comment...I can see a lot of eye-rolling and "well deh" on the part of the daughter after that...but I'm willing to try it when the time comes! Do YOU have a better suggestion? (love your comments!)
Young children's motor activities should not be over-restrained
- it results in emotional tension and may lead to aggression
This was yet ANOTHER "well deh" moment. I especially notice this with my boys. I can tell when my Kindergardener has not had a good opportunity to run around at school because he generally comes home ready to blow.
Okay, so we've stated the limits...but what happens when a child violates those limits (which we all know is right around the corner)
DO NOT ARGUE!!
I know, I know...you do it. I do it. BECAUSE WE'RE RIGHT!!! And I want to win...and point it out to you that I am right...because I AM RIGHT! lol.
don't get sucked in to a long, drawn-out discussion about how fair or unfair the limit was in the first place (you know they'll get you to this place in two seconds FLAT)
Do not invoke long explanations for the limit or the enforcement of it.
Short and to the point:
"People are not for hitting"
"Windows are not for breaking"
STOP TALKING NOW!!! lol.
And here is the big one. The one that just made me sit back in my chair and go: "I've been doing it all wrong"....and yet again...DEH.
"IF PARENTS TALK TOO MUCH, THEY CONVEY WEAKNESS"
Seriously. Can I just point out again where the bible agrees with this? It's one of my favorite Proverbs 'cause I'm a guilty, guilty party in this area (in case the blog hasn't convinced you)
Proverbs 10:19 says:
19 The more talk, the less truth;
the wise measure their words.
This is "The Message" translation...I thought there was a translation out there that actually said "shut your mouth"...but maybe that was my own little translation. hehe.
What about spanking? Well, here is an interesting take on spanking:
"Spanking relieves guilt too easily"
The child feels that after the spanking he has paid for the misbehavior and is now free to repeat it. Again, made lots of sense to me. I hit my sister and get a spanking....next time I feel angry, I will say to myself....I can take the spanking. It's worth it. I think I have actually seen this at work in my middle son! I've seen him think about it, weigh the consequence and belly up to the couch to repent and absolve himself until next time....